November 24, 2012 by Ron Madson
Five Star Mall Review!– by Ron Madson
So I awake this morning and find on Facebook many friends lamenting the latter-day materialism and signs of the coming Zombie Apocalypse linking this video of Wal Mart Shoppers:
To the untrained eye this may appear to be a sign of a total breakdown of the social order among our peasant class, but in fact the trained eye of a PHD Anthropologist (yes I am summoning Dr. Daymon Smith to help explain this phenomena) might see it as the plebian class’ morning stretching and cardio—Wal-Mart’s version of a poor man’s gym membership. Not to mention those that succeed through their strength in bringing home the most goods are more likely to succeed in perpetuating their breed rather then those losers found trampled at the bottom of the heap making for a stronger slave, I mean working class. But I digress.
This Thanksgiving I must express gratitude that myself, my family and those I can consider friends are not part of the economically-enslaved gladiator class scrapping to save every nickel, and that every Black Friday we can point the finger of scorn at those whose ignorance and poverty wages, according to the proper order of capitalism, drive them to despair in saving a few bucks— all for our entertainment. But more than that, I am so grateful that we are a chosen people while others around us perish for in their “perishment” we can see how much the Lord has blessed us above all people. But again I digress from the purpose of this Holiday message of glad tidings.
God be praised that because of continuing revelation, we who have been gathered from the unwashed masses now can know the “True Order of Shopping.” There has arisen a shopping mall light that has burst forth from the ashes of urban blight —-on the tops of the mountains where all true shoppers shall flow into it! Hallelujah! City Creek Mall!.
The City Creek mall is much more than a shopping ritual. It is, when understood, the one and only “True Order of Shopping.” However, to understand the profundity of that shopping experience one cannot go just one time to grasp the depth of the experience. It requires going over and over again shopping for others to only begin to grasp the meaning of the Mall—and even then some of the greatest shoppers tell us that even after hundreds of visits they are only now beginning to grasp its true meaning. But again in my exuberance, I digress in explaining the True Order of Shopping.
The True Order of Shopping begins before one even arrives at the mall. For this mall is a house of order and peace and it begins with proper grooming and dress. City Creek has placed large billboards throughout Salt Lake City showing the quality of dress, grooming and demeanor of those they are seeking to entice to come to their high ends stores. Just a few billboards illustrate my point:
Here the model shoppers show us that it is appropriate to dress in one’s finest apparel, exceedingly fine hair grooming, and to touch it all off hold in one’s hand a glass with fine wine. This separation from the worldly Wal-Mart types is glaringly obvious. No one dressed and groomed like this would ever consider tugging at a Tiffany’s bracelet with another shopper no matter how much they wanted it lest their $1,200 haircut and styling be tousled. And who would chase after the “blue light special” with a glass of Chablis wine in one’s hand? And who ever consider diving into a pile of humanity with so much bare skin exposed to severe chaffing? So it starts with proper grooming, fine apparel and aristocratic accessories in the true order of shopping. And unlike Wal-Mart where everyone in jammed together, this great mall has spacious aisles so that no one ever need touch another human being. It was well worth a couple extra billion for this alone.
Once at City Creek Mall the first thing one should notice from the directory of stores is that your coupons are not going to be of any value here: “Brooks Brothers, Michael Kors, Tiffanys, Nordstrom’s, and Porsche Design to drop a few names. It would be unseemly to not encase these jewels in the finest box sparing no expense. There we find silver and gold, fine-twined linen, tinkling ornaments, cauls, chains, braclets, bonnets earring, rings and nose jewels, changeable suits of apparel, fine linen, wimples, and crisping pins….I get breathless and carried away each time I think of the bounty and beauty of this shopping mecca.
Finally, the true order of shopping is not to just look but to actually purchase and go all in! It is not enough to be a cafeteria shopper, one must be embrace all that is being offered. Eat, drink and shop till your credit limit is exhausted. Do not leave until you can leave dressed for success with the finest apparel this world can offer. Shop with complete confidence that the Lord will prosper you as you faithfully shop at the Lord’s shopping mall!
Now I know that there are some of you bitter, whiny critics out there saying that this high end shopping mall and the billions spent are wasted and inconsistent with what Jesus would do. I can easily refute these whining heretics, but first I must say— echoing the words of someone who should have been our First Lady and who could appreciate such high end shopping—“JUST STOP IT!” STOP IT NOW! But I have an even more compelling reasons why the City Creek Mall represents the “True Order of Shopping” that would even make a F.A.I.R.S. Apologist weep with as much joy as finding their own first Chiasmus. First, Presiding Bishop Burton, the very man the Lord appointed to guard over the Bishop’s storehouse, shared his testimony of this great endeavor: “Every time I come over here, I think about the vision President Hinckley had to this endeavor” and as a witness to this vision Bishop Burton adds this ratifying emotional confirmation: “I could shed a tear.” And secondly, we have a living prophet declaring the word of the Lord in our day and like a Proclamation to the World the First Presidency and much of the Quorum of 12 have spoken and not only invited us to shop but where to shop.
This is practically a Shopping Proclamation to the World! And note that they said “Let’s Go Shopping” and not just gawking at the merchandise. So get out this first Christmas season and spend, spend, spend at the one and only true City Creek Mall and leave the blue light specials and struggling to save a buck to those who know not the ways of the “True Order of Shopping.”